EPISODE 1 : WHERE I REALISED NOTHING WAS ALRIGHT
October 2017. I started to feel a change within me. I did not know then whether it was normal to feel like that or something really was wrong. I went back to my boring, usual life of going to school but something wasn’t right. Something was definitely not right. I asked myself, “Hey! What’s up? Is everything okay?” and the answer that came from within did not satisfy me at all. I didn’t allow myself to answer what the problem was and instead ended the conversation by saying, “NO. Nothing is fine. Now screw yourself.”. Screw myself? I can fight this, right? After all, I have been feeling this way for nearly a year now.
For a year, I’ve been a very reserved person and opening up to someone or being vulnerable, is my worst nightmare. I still remember being an extrovert, loved by all (I am, still) and an outgoing person. But now, it’s like a task to go out and be with people. I don’t even remember how many plans I have cancelled with my friends or family in the past one year because I zone out very easily. Before you ask, ‘to zone out very easily’ and ‘to get distracted’, are ABSOLUTELY different things! Please don’t mix those two up.
EPISODE 2: THE FIRST DAY IN SCHOOL AFTER VACATIONS AND I WAS ALREADY CRYING INSIDE
I couldn’t relate to anything people around me were talking about, literally, NOTHING. The first two days I somehow survived but from the third day I started crying after coming back home. I was seeking answers by asking myself questions about me. I did not want to talk to a friend, because I was sure he/she might not understand my situation at all and just change the topic by saying,”Let’s go and get some food and enjoy. This is very common in this age.”. Is that so? If you are thinking that I was overthinking or I’m still overthinking, then YOU ARE RIGHT! I consider ‘overthinking’ as that one clingy boyfriend every girl has in their life, at least ONCE. I still feel some sort of a comfort in overthinking. Seems like my happy place or something.
So, school was giving a very hard time (it still is) and all I wanted to do was just escape from there. I felt like everyone was just ignoring me, when they were actually NOT. I was the one who was continuously zoning out and could not engage in conversations about the exact same things that I was talking about a month earlier. I was living in a nutshell whose cover was getting thicker and thicker as days passed by.
EPISODE 3: THE BREAK
This situation has been very hard for me to deal with because it was happening for a year and now that the intensity had increased, I was very de-motivated, sad and had almost lost all hope of getting a happy life. A classmate even asked me whether I was alright or not because she felt a change in me which was not normal. But I lied and told her that I was fine.
Finally, I went to my school counselor and told her everything that I was going through. She was very nice and straightforward with me. She told me this – “You are suffering from depression and you should seek professional help now, like participating in regular talk sessions with me and practicing positive thinking.”
Even though all this time I thought myself stupid for thinking I was suffering from depression, her finally confirming that I was, totally shattered me. I couldn’t even cry but just gave her a blank smile and told her that I will figure it out soon and get back to her. That entire week I thought about this and I actually figured out stuff.
EPISODE 4: THE CHANGE AND THE LAST EPISODE
I started spending more time with my family and myself. Earlier, I used to literally doze off after reading 1-2 pages of a story book but now books are helping me gain a fresh perspective in my thoughts. I had always loved staying in my own lil’ world which I can be in whenever I’m in my room. I have a handful of friends, like I legit talk to only 5-6 of my friends and trust me, I am better off with less people in life. I have realized that no matter what, my parents will always there be by my side.
I am not completely over with depression. I still have anxiety and I still overthink but I have realized that if anyone can change my situation in life then it’s only me. It’s my fight to live a happy life because at the end of the day not everyone cares about how are you and what you do.
I have also taken up an internship which is helping me improve my writing skills and also helping me use my time productively.
Mental health is more important than any other health. If you are really suffering then please talk to a professional or even a friend whom you trust or your family, but most importantly know yourself. You are the only one who knows yourself the most and the best.