Being a psychologist, I address concerns of many people every day. However, I am always faced by the stereotype that I must be happy and mentally healthy all the time. That I would not face mental health challenges.
So today, I want to break that belief by telling everyone that I too face challenges, and I accept myself. I am not embarrassed of this and it doesn’t mean that I am not a good mental health expert if I have psychological limitations or mental anguish.
I break from all fears and prejudice and share my diary’s entry with you today. I believe in my heart that our readers won’t judge.
I seek assurance. Assurance that I am still longed to be with. Even your most insignificant action is observed by me and I contemplate it doubting my importance in your life. I want to be loved, I want to be listened to. But my doubts, my questions which I raise in front of you due to my anxiety of the unknown fear, make it difficult for you to love me. I constantly dawdle in this fear of being left alone in darkness with not even a single ray of hope, fear of being rejected by people for whom I can lay down my life.
You will feel the extremes of existence with me. My negativity makes me sink in so deep that only some people have the strength to take me out of it. When I am vulnerable and in fear of losing you at the same time, I feel death at the least distance, my emotions are out of the dimensions of people like you. But when I am out, of course I always get out of this self created hell of mine. I can take you to a new dimension of life, make you see things in a way you have never thought of, experience adventures and crazy days you never would have thought of living, my energy is out of bounds, you will feel it within your veins. I will make you see the beauty of life in every form. Indeed life is beautiful, from the smallest leaf to the vast ocean everything is magnificent.
But as there are my highs, so are my lows. The people whom I meet, who think I live in a happy dream, dancing to the music and loving each soul that I come across, should know that I live my nightmares which come to life beyond my control, and they won’t leave me throughout my life.